No, I 'm not going to follow with the old cliche..."is a friend indeed". I truly have a friend who is in need. This is probably one of the hardest posts I could write. Several weeks ago, a dear friend called to tell me that she has cancer. I was stunned, as if someone had punched me in the gut with no warning. Tears welled up in me, as I wondered what was going through her head and knowing that the road ahead will not be an easy one. I sense her fear and her uncertainty and my heart and soul hurt for her. She teaches me empathy, as I can only barely guess at what she is feeling right now. So many friends I have that have walked the walk of this disease, continue to fight this fight. I hate this for all of my friends who have and are going through this.
The practical side of me does the research and although some of the numbers are grim for this type of cancer, I find testimonials from people who have had the same and are surviving and strong and leading healthy lives - and, I know that my friend is also strong and will be one of those survivors. We have to believe...and fight.
She is teaching me that I need to get more in touch with my spirituality, and my higher power. I am so thankful for you, my friend.
I have a wonderful friend. My first memory of her was back in 1991 (I think - I suck at dates). I bought a home and she was the home owner. I bought this little country church that she and her family had renovated and raised 4 children there. My first memory of her was that she was standing in the doorway, as I was painting a bedroom in my new little house, and she was sobbing. I was ecstatic at owning this little piece of heaven and she was mourning the loss of her family's little piece of heaven. I remember feeling so guilty, in spite of my joy.
There was a connection at that point - I can't explain it. We were so different. She had a huge family, at least by my standards. She had (and still has) a husband and 4 children, and now, a handful of grandchildren; I, an only child, just out of a failed marriage, and trying to find a place to heal and find myself. I spent 13+ years in that house and still have my wonderful friend.
Over the last 20+ years, she has taught me so much. She is one of the most generous and giving people I know. She is not wealthy; she doesn't have a big bank account. Her generosity comes from within. It's about the time she spends with friends who are sick, or people who need her kindness, or her willingness to do for others. She has patience and kindness that is rare in a society that is so "me" oriented and fast-paced.
She teaches me to be more patient and more giving. It seems that whatever her burdens, she always has time to give to others. She has taught me to ask, "is there something I can do for you?"
Thank you, my friend.
This evening, I was thinking about the many friends that I am so blessed to have and what I learn or have learned from them. I have always believed that relationships in life are teacher and student oriented. Sometimes you are the teacher; sometimes you are the student. It creates a balance in one's life and allows you to always be in a receptive or learning mode. For as much as you teach, you will learn. I am grateful for these friends and I doubt that they even have a clue as to how much they have taught me or enriched my life. So, I want to start a regular post that will pay tribute to friends and what they have contributed to my life. I'm not going to call any names, but you may, on occasion, recognize yourself or someone you know. It's just a subtle way of being grateful.
One of my favorite songs by Alison Krauss is "When You Say Nothing At All". It is definitely a love song, but the title came to my mind because it seems to fit an unfortunate family situation that has been going on in my family for a number of years and it has nothing to do with a love affair, but everything to do with how sometimes family bonds are split apart, and relationships die, because nothing was said.
I am not going to go into the details, but it was a pretty serious and significant situation that occurred many years ago. The wounds have not healed and the rifts are still uppermost in the minds of those that were affected. There are many family members that hope that this situation will be resolved, and I am one of them. I try to be objective and not choose sides, but what bothers me most are the things that have been left unsaid. There are things that should have been addressed many years ago but never were, and many think that the passage of time is enough...but, it's not. Apologies and explanations need to be made and with the enormous amount of time that has passed, those words that should have been said many years ago, are now harder and more difficult to say. When things are swept under the rug, and when you say nothing at all, nothing changes, and the bitterness and pain continues. With the passage of time, the rug is a lot dirtier and the crap is still under there.
It would have been easier many years ago, to have said the things that needed to be said, but it is what it is, and you can't backtrack. Why is it so hard for us to talk and get the crap under the rug cleaned up and thrown away, so we can move forward?
This lovely lady is my Mama. On July 28th, she turns 90. If she knew I was publishing this to the world, she would kick my butt, because she has always wanted to keep her age a secret. Unlike her daughter, who is totally amazed that she is now in her 60's, I am proud of my age and that I have lived long enough to say so. Maybe, it's a generational thing...I don't know.
We will be celebrating quietly per her request with no billboards, no wild party with champagne, and no hoards of people, well...maybe some champagne. Of late, she seems to be occupied with end of life thoughts - that she may not have much time left. When she brings it up, I try to make light of it, but I often think, "what will my thoughts be, if I live to be 90"? Will I be obsessed about what my last days will be like? Will I be healthy? Will I be sick? Will I have regrets?
When I think of what she has seen in her lifetime, it boggles my mind. From the poverty of the 20's to the craziness of the 21st century and everything in between, it's hard to imagine. How do you process it all and make sense of it all? To think of the history of the last 90 years just makes my head spin.
My Mama and I have had our fair share of ups and downs, but we managed to work through it all and become best of friends. I am so grateful that I have had 60+ years with this lady. We are so very different, but yet in some ways so alike. She has taught me more than she knows. She deserves the happiest of birthdays and many more.
Happy Birthday to my beautiful mother!
Love always...your daughter.
Well, most of my followers now know that my original Musings From the Hammock disappeared entirely when Posterous went to Cyberspace Hell and took all of my posts from the last 3 years with it. The blog, started in 2010, was my dumping ground for many critical events in my life. I posted a lot about my father's descent into the world of dementia and his eventual death, crazy events in my life, my short-lived stay in Florida, and the demise of the relationship that went with it. On occasion, I would go back and read those posts, and put myself through some of the residual heartburn that I felt while writing them. Now, they are all gone and I have no way to dredge up those uncomfortable feelings. How interesting!
While I lamented the loss of my writings, and swore I would never write again (because, let's face it...I really consider myself a hack...and that's OK), friends encouraged me to keep at it. When I really thought about it, I thought, maybe this happened for a reason and I needed to get past these things in my life and start fresh.
So, I'm back and I thank you, my friends who prodded me to start again.
